I asked this question many years ago when I was in seminary at Scarritt College for Christian Workers. I worked hard to make prayer work, but it seemed like nothing more than talking to myself. No matter what books I read or preachers I consulted, they could show me no benefit of prayer other than it gave them peace. As I searched, I soon found that meditation has all the so called benefits of prayer, without any of the hocus pocus. There are many meditative techniques, and they have the benefit of helping you think more clearly and reduce stress.

Religionists claim that prayer changes things. I would agree. Because prayer taps into the same neurological pathways that meditation uses, it brings about a peaceful feeling. Other than that, there is no evidence that it allows you to talk to supernatural beings. I always liked Ambrose Bierce’s definitions of prayer: PRAY, v. “To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.”

Occasionally, religionists accidentally hit on a prayer technique that seems to bear results in wellbeing and stress relief. In the late 1300’s an anonymous priest wrote a book called “the Cloud of Unknowing” where he describes methods that are quite similar to many taught in Buddhism and developed by modern day psychologists and neurological researchers. While he claimed that the method helped you get in touch with the supernatural, today we know that those methods are based on the way our physical brains work – nothing supernatural needed.

In the 1970’s, Dr. Herbert Benson, one of the pioneers in the area of secular meditation, looked at the claims of the Maharishi Yogi, who taught Transcendental Meditation (T.M.). TM claims that it creates peace and clear thinking in some vague and supernatural way. Dr. Benson decided to test this by studying their meditation techniques. He found that he could reproduce all the benefits of TM with some easily taught, simple techniques and none of the hocus pocus. In other words, he learned that TM was a good way to get your money, but it did not put you in touch with the supernatural, the universe, the universal mind or any other metaphysical thing. He learned that humans have a natural response to certain meditative techniques – he called this “The Relaxation Response.” His method has been used by thousands of people for decades now, including myself.

There are many teachers and practitioners of secular meditation techniques. There is good evidence that secular methods have a positive effect on the mind and body. Sam Harris, one of the most influential secularists of our time, advocates meditation techniques. You can read what he has to say at this site: http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/how-to-meditate

Many psychologists and researchers have looked at “mindfulness based stress reduction” and found that it shows scientifically valid results for those taught to practice it. You may wish to read more about it in this book.

Explore these and see what might work for you. At the same time, be very careful of meditation systems that have a supernatural component to them, that claim they help your spirit or help you get in touch with your soul. While their methods may actually work, the hocus pocus that they teach is often as destructive as the meditation is helpful. I would include many Buddhist methods in this potentially problematic area. Buddhism can be tricky because it appears, and often claims to be, atheistic, but scratch a little below the surface and most branches of Buddhism have supernatural ideas.

I hope this gives you something to consider. I believe that meditation is a good habit from which anyone can benefit. It reduces stress and definitely helps you think more clearly. People who meditate frequently are often more calm in stressful situations and less prone to make rash decisions, and are often healthier overall. It is something that requires practice. You train your brain and body to relax and let go of the constant barrage of thoughts, ideas, fears and anxieties that seem to invade our mental world. Meditation is much more valuable than prayer, since it actually has a benefit for you. I am very sure that you will find it as good or better than any praying you ever did..

First, let’s take a hard look at “God’s teachings.” Most Christians are quite unaware of their gods’ teachings. They simply take what the preacher says on Sunday morning as the truth and word of their god. If these teachings were simple and clear, then there would not be 38,000 different denominations and branches of Christianity all saying different things.

For example, I am riding on a train as I write this. I am sitting within a few feet of several Amish families. They are dressed like they walked out of an 1880’s movie. They are pacifistic and hardworking people who deeply believe that their god has instructed them that modern conveniences are the temptations of Satan. Owning a computer is a sin for them. Owning a car, shaving their beards, or having electricity in their home is a sin. Dating anyone outside of the community is a sin. Chances are, even if you were the best Christian you could be, you would still be a very immoral person according to their god.

A close reading of the Old Testament is filled with horrendous lessons on how to treat people. A god that kills almost everyone on Earth in a flood: that’s pretty crazy. A god that commands Joshua to murder all the women and children except for the young girls, who can be taken as sex slaves: That’s horrible. A god that condemns anyone who eats shellfish: what is that all about? And of course. The 10 commandments tell you that working on Saturday or saying god’s name without a good reason makes you a bad person in the eyes of god. God eventually goes into great detail about how to deal with cattle thieves, isolating women on their period, and which fabrics to wear at the same time; but nowhere in those ten commandments, or in the six hundred and three that come after it, does it say “Don’t abuse children,” or “Don’t enslave people,” or “Don’t rape.”

There’s a simple explanation for this, which is that the Bible was written by human beings at a time when stealing a person’s livestock was a crime punishable by death, but raping a young girl was easily remedied by following it up with a marriage proposal. If the girl married someone other than her rapist however, and was found to not be a virgin, she would be executed. There is nothing remotely moral about any of this. The Abrahamic tribes who wrote the Old Testament simply came up with a set of laws that favored those already in power, and then claimed those laws were dictated by god and that questioning them was punishable by death.

In the New Testament, you can pick and choose to find verses that sound nice, but who gets to decide which verses teach the moral lessons? When Paul says that a master should treat his slave well, why didn’t he just condemn slavery? Surely the “golden rule” would require that. When Paul says, “A woman should be quiet in church and not speak. She should learn from her husband.” is that a good moral model? When Jesus says, “If you don’t love me more than your own family, you don’t deserve heaven.” Is that the kind of god you want?

Morality is present in all societies in some form. There were moral people and moral codes long before the Hebrews came along and much earlier than Jesus. If morality comes from the teachings of god, who taught the ancient Chinese their morals? Who taught the Iroquois Indians, before Columbus? Muslims claim that their morality comes directly from god as written in the Koran. Mormons teach that their morality comes from god as written in the book of Mormon. The Hopi have a well-developed moral and ethical code, but it is not what you or I would recognize. While all of these groups claim that some god gave them their morality, the fact is that no society can live long without rules for successful interaction. No gods gave them these moral rules; tradition and the need to live peacefully within a larger group, brought these about.

You live in a society that has well developed rules and laws that came from centuries of secular law and government. You would be hard pressed to find much in our current laws that was directly related to The Decalogue or the 613 commandments found in the Old Testament. Those were laws and rules as foreign to us today as the Hopi moral code is to the U.S. legal code. They are hardly related.

Little if any of your day-to-day behavior is governed by anything you can find in a holy book. Be kind to each other, is a pretty universal value. Most cultures have some version of that. It existed long before holy books were written. It did not come from any god.

If we received our morality from god or religion, then we would expect to see higher morality among the most religious and godly societies. A simple look at today’s societies shows that is not the case. For example, the US is the most religious western nation, yet we have the highest murder rate, highest rate of imprisonment, highest rape rates along with among the highest poverty rates, teen pregnancies and much more. Compare our religious society to France, Germany, Sweden, Japan or any number of other developed countries, and you see that high rates of atheism or non-religiosity are associated with low rates of all these “moral” problems.

Western morality began with the enlightenment about 500 years ago. The enlightenment was the first time that Europeans started separating religion from morality. Through the last few centuries, Western Civilization has developed a code of morality that is not dependent on any religion, from the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, to the United Nations Charter, to the International Court of Justice, The Geneva Convention on War, and much more. These institutions and laws make no reference to gods or religion and are often agreed to by countries whose citizens have radically different religions.

Here is something to consider. No major religion on earth condemned slavery until the enlightenment came along to condemn it. All the major religions claim that women are inferior to men. None thought that women had a role to play in political life and rarely in religious life. Most churches still believe that only men may lead. Many major religions espoused “Peace on Earth” but were quick to start huge devastating Crusades against one another. Christians who espoused Christian morality in the 1500’s spent decades killing one another across Europe in the 30 years war. Millions died in the name of a god. Not much morality there.

Where do we get our morality? From the constant development of our culture. From the evolution of laws and guidelines that help us create a peaceful and prosperous society. We are who create our morality and we pass it down to our children and grandchildren. That is why Muslim people can live prosperously in the US along side Baptists, Mormons, Hindus and Atheists. We have a morality that supersedes all religions and is beholden to none.

I am so sorry to hear of your plight. We see far too many teens being forced from their homes by religious parents. While these parents often say it is an act of love, it is anything but loving. It says that they love their gods more than their own family. They are fearful of their god and want to save you from their imaginary enemy, Satan.

Unfortunately, there are not a lot of resources for teens in your situation. Depending on the part of the world or US that you live in, I would first go to the Human Services department in your area. Most states and governments have agencies that are designed to help people in difficult situations. They are in a position to help you. You are not a “runaway” so the real issue is one of child abandonment. When parents refuse to care for their under age children, the law may have something to say about that. Be prepared for them to place you in a foster home. Be very clear when you talk with the social worker that you do not want to be placed in a home that pushes religion.

There is also a patchwork of nonprofit organizations throughout the country that offer shelter and assistance to homeless or displaced teenagers, and you may be able to find a good, secular or non-proselytizing organization to help you in the short term. Consider contacting CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) and seeing what assistance they can offer.

I wish I could say “contact your local atheist community,” but most of these groups are not set up to do this kind of help. It can’t hurt to contact them. Someone may be in a position to provide you assistance or go with you to the social services office. You can find an atheist group in your area by searching on Meetup.com or just type in your cities name and the word “atheist”, “humanist”, “Freethinker.” You will very likely find a group and someone to at least talk with.

If you can continue staying with your friend, and their parents are ok with it, that might be a good short-term option. In any event, try to keep in mind that your friend’s parents or foster parents are making a big sacrifice to help you, and make it as easy on them as possible. Take responsibility for your life as much as you can. That is what atheists and humanists do. We know we are the main person responsible for our lives. Get to school, study, do your homework, relax and enjoy yourself responsibly, thank those who help you and help them in return when you can.

It is very important that you not allow your parents mistakes to ruin your future. Find a way to finish high school (even if your only option is to get a G.E.D.), and start working on a plan to attend a trade school, community college or four year university. There are people who can help you plan for shouldering the costs of your education, understand your options and advise which loans to take out (government loans are good, private loans are less desirable). Community colleges are an affordable option to start with, and often give good, free advice. Be careful not to get suckered in by ineffective for-profit schools or unaccredited institutions. You have a bright and wonderful future ahead of you if you make the right choices for yourself in the present.

Someday, your parents may come to their senses and ask you to come back, but be careful to make sure they understand that they must let you find your own way. Don’t return with religious conditions like, “You must go to church every Sunday.”  Either they love for who you are, or they don’t. It’s a tough thing to face at your age. At the same time, you have shown maturity beyond your years by making a decision against religion and sticking to it. I am in great admiration and wish you the best.

 
Someone who believes in a god but not in the Bible, shares that in common with about 4 Billion other people on the planet. Buddhists, Tao, Pagans, Wicca, Hindus, and Sikh; even Mormons and Muslims don’t believe in the Bible quite like most Christians do. You are clearly not alone. On the other hand, the Humanist Manifesto III begins with the following definition: “Humanism is a progressive philosophy of life that, without supernaturalism, affirms our ability and responsibility to lead ethical lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity.” While I am confident that you are a good person, your belief in a god and afterlife constitute a supernaturalist ideology which precludes you from being a humanist in the way that the American Humanist Association defines the word.
 
When religious people claim that they are humanist, they often mean is that they are not dogmatic and don’t follow (all) the rules and laws of their religion. I would rate that as a step in the right direction, but again, their belief in supernatural entities contradicts their claim to be humanists in the sense that most people use the word.
 
Fortunately I’m pleased to say that humanists really aren’t too into condemning people. Humanists disagree with supernaturalism, but we respect everyone’s right to believe whatever they choose to, so long as their beliefs don’t translate into preferential laws or bigotry.
 
From your description, you sound like a great ally for humanism. Just because we disagree on the origins of the Universe, or whether there is likely to be an afterlife, does not mean we can’t treat each other with respect and work together on common issues and problems. Just as atheists and religionists worked together to make great strides for Civil Rights in the 1960s, I would gladly walk side by side with you in a march for gay rights. I would invite you to join me at a lecture on evolutionary biology and have a cup of coffee after to talk about it. I would hope you would invite me to work on a homeless project or fundraise for Doctors Without Borders.
 
Just don’t ask me to donate to a religious organization; I probably would not help you there.

First, atheism is not a religion and we are not in the business of converting anyone. Most of us would rather discuss interesting ideas and challenge beliefs and assumptions in a good dialogue. The great philosopher, Socrates, taught that the most powerful method of inquiry, was simply asking good questions. His approach is known as “the Socratic method.”

While religious people want to convert, I want to explore and discuss. I want to encourage critical thinking skills, and help people learn to evaluate the evidence for themselves, and come to conclusions based on non-supernatural explanations. I have found that focusing on exploration, discussion and asking well thought out questions is far better than “converting” anyone. If someone changes their mind, that is great; I hope I helped them think through and evaluate the evidence. If they decide they want to keep their supernatural ideas, that is their business. It is not my job on this planet to de-convert religionists and supernaturalists. I do see it as my job to ask questions and help people think about their beliefs and assumptions.

It is also important to educate yourself on the arguments on both sides of the issue. The Recommended Reading list on this site is an excellent place to start; as is the Rebuttals To Religion page.

Finally, there is a real art to asking the right questions with the right attitude. If you ask in a challenging or aggressive manner, chances are the other person will only get defensive, even angry, and cling more strongly to their beliefs. The paradox of aggressive argument is that people often become more entrenched. Effective use of low key, thoughtful questions allows the other person to think clearly rather than getting caught up on an emotional debate that only drives them deeper into irrational thought.
 
I have seen several religionists decide to give up their superstitions simply because I was a friend and asked good questions. I did not put them on the defensive, tell them that they are irrational or otherwise insult their intelligence. I just listened to them, and asked good questions.

I tend to think of the question in these terms: what proof would you require to believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the one true god? Imagine all the different ways I could try and prove to you that the FSM lives and moves in our lives? With respect to supernatural claims, the burden of proof is on the person making the claim. As Carl Sagan was fond of saying, “Extraordinary claims, require extraordinary evidence.” Every proof that religionists have used to “prove” a god, can also be used to “prove” the FSM. And none of these proofs can be scientifically tested.

A proof requires objective validity. Can it be verified and reproduced? For centuries, religion used stories of miracles as proof of various gods. They still do today, but these claims are unverifiable and subjective in nature.

Remember also that just because something is strange does not mean that it is divine. Suppose that someone claiming to be the messiah performed the miracle of turning water into wine: it might be impressive to the people who witnessed it, but unless he could do it repeatedly under laboratory conditions, I would have to assume he was simply a skilled illusionist. Even if many teams of scientists each independently verified that this person can alter the molecular structure of water into wine with no possibility of him having fooled them, that would still not prove that he was God, or that God was doing it through him. Saying “I don’t know how that was done, so God must have done it” is never an acceptable answer. Instead it would create many new questions that history tells us science would eventually answer.

Suppose that I fell down the stairs and went into a coma, and while unconscious I seemed to meet God and walk around Heaven with him until he told me it was time to go back and I woke up in the hospital. Alas, that still does not constitute proof of the divine. Instead a much more reasonable explanation would be that I had experienced a dream or hallucination in which my unconscious mind had incorporated culturally common imagery into a wish fulfillment fantasy. Imagine if instead of dreaming about Heaven I dreamed that I traveled to Oz and killed the Wicked Witch of the West with a bucket of water. Would you then believe that Oz was real? In either case, it is not reproducible under laboratory conditions.

Suppose that a giant image of a person appeared in the sky and spoke to everyone on Earth simultaneously in their native language and announced that he was God. I imagine that most people would totally freak out. None the less, I would have to remain skeptical. The most obvious explanation would be that a human, or group of humans, was using new and powerful technology to try and fool the rest of us. As the great science fiction writer, Arthur C. Clark said, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”

Furthermore how would we know it wasn’t aliens, or time travelers? And regardless of who was creating this massive projection, their technological superiority would not be any kind of proof that they created the universe, or that their morality was better than my morality, or that they could verify the existence of an afterlife.

The most plausible explanation for a global event like that would simply be that I had gone insane and was experiencing a private hallucination? This is all completely theoretical of course, since nothing like that has ever happened, and in all likelihood, never will.

 
Religion’s claims are so far-fetched that they are ludicrous to the objective observer. That is why Christians think the claims of Islam are ridiculous. And why Buddhists think Christians are primitive. Most people see how ridiculous the claims of Scientology are, even though they are not really that different from the claims of Mormonism. Everybody thinks their particular gods are superior to everybody else’s. Every religion claims that they can prove their god exists, but we are all still waiting for that extraordinary evidence. Even some ordinary evidence might be a good start.

For further information on this subject, visit the Rebuttals To Religion page on this site and watch the excellent videos by QualiaSoup.

You can believe whatever you like. If it makes you feel better to participate in religious rituals that don’t infringe on the rights of anyone else, then it is your right to do so. On the other hand, belief in something does not make it real. If someone said, “I believe that every raindrop has a tiny unicorn in it, and that they love to eat elves for breakfast” would you be convinced that unicorns and elves exist? Or would you think this person might need to visit a mental health professional?

Just as you would require strong evidence of unicorns and elves, you should require equally strong evidence for New Age beliefs. When New Age practitioners claim they can heal people with crystals or alternative medicines, they are making claims that can easily be tested by science. If they won’t submit their claims to scientific testing, then know that they are either swindling you or fooling themselves. Remember that extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.

While these alternative religions may seem less harmful than the Abrahamic religions, they are still based on unverifiable claims. Call yourself what you like, but I would not refer to you as an atheist if you still believe in the supernatural. All of the religions you mention are based on some type of supernaturalism.

When you go to your doctor, you probably want him or her to use modern science and base your medical treatment on something more reliable than prayer, karma, energy-flow or astrological predictions. If not, I would be genuinely concerned for the long-term future of your health.

You say these religions “make sense” to you. I would encourage you to put these to the same test you would want from your doctor or car mechanic. Can it be tested empirically? Can the results be reliably repeated? Are their claims backed up by peer-reviewed studies? The scientific method is the only way we know to test reality.

We humans are amazingly good at fooling ourselves. Our brains and senses are in many ways poorly adept at perceiving the lines between reality and fantasy. That is why magicians can do so many things that seem impossible: magicians take advantage of your mental and perceptual blind-spots. Religion does the same thing. The human brain can be tricked into seeing and feeling things that are not there. Religion creates certain feelings and perceptions, then tells you how to interpret those sensations.

Neurological science has found that many so-called spiritual sensations can be reproduced by medically stimulating certain parts of the brain. Out of body experiences have been created with electrical probes in the brain. Feelings of universal love and warmth, have been reproduced with brain stimulation. More and more evidence shows that what religion claims to be supernatural or spiritual is nothing more than your brain responding to situations, chemicals and stimulation.

It is not uncommon for people who leave well established religions to find comfort in more alternative or fringe faiths, but I urge you to examine every belief system with as objective and critical an eye as you did toward the one you were raised in.

I actually write about this question in my book, The God Virus, because so many people accuse Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens and others of being angry.

I meet hundreds or thousands of atheists every year at my talks around the U.S. and the world. The overwhelming majority of these atheists I meet are some of the nicest, most caring, intellectually curious people you will ever meet. Maybe I am just finding the nice ones, or only the nice ones come to my talks, but I think that atheists are just like other people: they have the same problems, the same concerns, and the same aspirations as everyone else.

That is not to say, however, that there are no angry atheists. I am, to some extent, an angry atheist. But, in large measure, we are not angry in the way religionists portray us. We are angry in the same way that feminists are angry at misogyny, or Civil Rights advocates are angry at racism, or Gay Rights advocates are angry at homophobia. It is natural that a passion for equal rights, when met with a mean-spirited and irrational resistance, can produce anger in those of us who are active in the fight for equality.

In the nineteenth and early twentieth century women who campaigned for the right to vote were beaten, jailed and severely persecuted for wanting legal equality with men. The dominant patriarchy often accused the suffragettes of being angry.

During the civil rights movement of the 1960’s, white bigots often asked, “Why are blacks so angry?” Meanwhile the idea of integrated schools or interracial marriage made racists practically foam at the mouth in fury.

We see the same thing in the Gay Rights movement. Gays and Lesbians are accused of being pushy and angry just because they want their equal rights.

As atheists, we are experiencing similar obstacles as all of these other minority groups. We simply want equal rights, and in asking for those rights, we get accused of being angry. Your friend is simply buying into the myth that those in power tend to believe about every minority group when they demand equal rights.

Christian ministers get in the pulpit every Sunday and rail against atheists, calling us all kinds of names and blaming us for everything from the latest school shooting to the lack of morality in our government. Their scriptures call us “fools” (even when their scripture also says not to call people “fools.”)

I would strongly recommend you read Greta Christina’s book, “Why are You Atheists So Angry: 99 Things That Piss Off the Godless.”  It is an excellent explanation for what we really are angry about, and it is not what the religionists think.

We are angry at the way religion abuses and hurts people, especially women and children; how it tries to inject itself into our political system and into women’s healthcare; how it blames and judges people for just being human. After reading Greta’s short but powerful book, you can ask yourself, “Are these things that are worth being angry about?”

Religionists get angry when their religion is questioned. They get angry when we don’t want to participate in their rituals. They get angry when we point out how much Christians are favored in our culture. If you ask them if they are angry at the secular world, many will quickly answer, “Yes, I am angry that they took prayer out of the schools. Angry that they try to force us to take down religious Christmas displays on public property; Angry that they make children question their faith by promoting evolution over creationism.”

The very existence of atheists makes religionists angry. Many say we should move out of the country. It is common for atheists to be disowned by our families, friends or business associates. There are many places on Earth where being an atheist will get you arrested, executed or lynched.

Most of us in the Freethought community have someone like that in our lives. I appreciate how much you want to make her feel better. Unfortunately her fear and unhappiness stem from her religious beliefs, and it is very difficult to assuage those fears without also being able to address the religious beliefs those fears stem from.

Here is my suggestion for how you can try and make your loved one feel better while still being true to your own rational way of thinking.

You can try telling her “I haven’t seen any evidence that convinces me of the existence of God; but if I did, the God I would want to believe in cares more about how we treat each other and how we work to make the world a better place than in which religion, if any, we choose to follow. If God lets bad Christians into Heaven and sends good atheists to Hell, then he is neither loving nor just, and is not worthy of being worshiped. If, on the other hand, God is infinite in his love and wisdom, then you have nothing to worry about because he will welcome all good people into his kingdom regardless of what they believe.”

She may tell you that the Bible specifically says that you must believe in Jesus to get into Heaven. If so, you can remind her “Heaven is supposed to be a place of perfect happiness; but how could someone be happy if they knew their loved one was suffering in Hell? That’s an impossible contradiction. That means that either: Heaven isn’t real; Heaven isn’t perfect; or everyone you love gets to go to Heaven with you.

I am sorry that you are unhappy, but my beliefs are not your responsibility any more than your beliefs are my responsibility. I don’t need a belief in God to love you, and I hope you don’t need a belief in God to love me. I want to enjoy your company now in what I believe is the only life we get.”

Beyond this kind of discussion, just remember that while you should always be kind and considerate to others, and strive to improve the lives of those around you, you are ultimately not responsible for anyone’s happiness but your own.

I am very sorry to hear that your friends have treated you so unkindly. It is one of the great ironies of religion that religious people can be so cruel to those who do not follow their dogma. Being different in any way can be hazardous. Whether you are gay, a minority or an atheist, people can be very unaccepting.

I cannot say if it was a mistake to come out or not, but the deed is done. You now have the great benefit of being true to yourself. You don’t have to pretend that you believe in invisible friends. Now that you know how they can treat other people, you may be glad you are no longer part of your former social circle. You can now practice being a good person, accepting others and showing compassion without bowing to their dogma.

It is unlikely that these so called “friends” ever were or ever will be true friends to you, so seek out new and better ones instead. You can continue to interact with your old associates, but realize they were not very good friends if they cannot accept you for who you are. They are certainly not very compassionate or understanding of people who are different from themselves.

Treat others with understanding and compassion and you will be more likely to find people worthy of your friendship. As a result of coming out, you have lost status with this group, but you have gained a good deal of personal integrity. Be careful to treat them respectfully and avoid getting into arguments and debates. The best you can probably do is to simply be a good person and let them see you treating others respectfully, even when they do not. It is painful to be pushed out of a group. But keep in mind that groups who don’t allow you to think for yourself are not healthy for you.

You are obviously a very intelligent person with a mind of your own. Seek out other people who enjoy using their curiosity and intellect. As you go through life, you will encounter this issue many times. Learn how to be your own person; and be the best person you can be.

Most importantly, be respectful and kind to those who have shunned you. You will have far more influence that way than if you try to repay them in kind.

First, let’s get the facts of life straight, then I will answer your question. Research going back 70 years shows that virtually all teens masturbate, and most continue throughout their lives. The number of women who masturbate is between 70% or 92%; with guys it is 98%. Anyone who says they have never masturbated is probably lying to you. Someone who says they don’t currently masturbate is probably lying as well.

Masturbation is as normal as eating and breathing for a human being. Unfortunately, religions of all kinds, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, and Mormonism, among others, all try to tell teens that masturbation is a sin. The irony is that virtually all of those telling you not to masturbate do it or have done it themselves.

In the Christian Scriptures, there is little or nothing about masturbation. Some site Matthew 5: 28-29, but that is not specifically about masturbation. Many religionists site the story of Onan to show that “spilling your seed” is immoral. That is not what the story says. The story condemns Onan for not having sex with his dead brother’s wife. That was his sin. He “spilled his seed” because he did not want to have any children with her. It has nothing to do with masturbation. So even religious scriptures do not support the idea that masturbation is wrong.

In Islam, there is disagreement among the many schools of Islamic thought. It is haram among most Shiite but not so in the Hanafi school. In any case, Muslims masturbate as much as any other religious group, they just have to lie about it and pretend that they don’t. Generally speaking: the more repressive a religion is to women, the more it tries to prohibit women from masturbating. Islam is far harsher in its treatment of female masturbation than any of the other major religions. In Christianity, there no mention of female masturbation at all. While most Christian groups try to prohibit it, they have no basis to do so in their scriptures.

In Mormonism it is forbidden, but there are a number of Mormon authorities who now say it is a mistake for the church to prohibit masturbation since it is a natural human function.

For centuries, religious leaders have told myths about the dangers of masturbation. “It will make you go blind, it will ruin your marriage, it will make you into a sex maniac, and it will turn you gay.” Science has debunked all of these myths. Masturbation is something your body wants to do to keep you healthy, clean and functioning. There is no psychological, emotional or health reason to deny yourself the pleasure of masturbation.

In less extreme religions they use the “sin of masturbation,” which everyone is guaranteed to commit, as a way to make you feel guilty about something that is perfectly normal. People who feel guilt must return to the religion that taught them the guilt in the first place to receive absolution. This keeps people oppressed with religious guilt their entire lives. It is the best way to keep people from questioning, and possibly leaving, their religion.

These are the facts of life. Now to discuss you and your parents. The first thing to know is that masturbation is sex with yourself, and that no one has a right to tell you that you cannot have sex with yourself; even your parents. No one owns your body – not your parents, not your religion, not your spouse. You are the sole owner of your body and your mind. Masturbation hurts no one and it is actually very healthy for your entire reproductive system. You can enjoy it your entire life if you want.

It is difficult to talk about these things with parents, but you might try to have a rational discussion with them and give them some this information. Even the very conservative James Dobson of Focus on the Family says that teens masturbate and it should not be prohibited by parents. Ideas on sexual guilt, especially female guilt, come from religious notions of ownership: that women are owned by their fathers and then by their husbands and that therefore their sexuality is owned as well. It is also based in the idea that males should control women and that men are shamed if their women express themselves sexually. Your parents probably feel shame that you are expressing your sexuality in masturbation – especially if you are girl.

Our own research has shown that parents who prohibit masturbation have little effect on the behavior; but rather succeed only in making their children feel guilty, unworthy, or depressed. You are going to continue despite your parents. I am quite sure of that. If you are grounded for 8 months, you probably have little else to do but masturbate!

What your parents are telling you is what they learned from their parents. Christian, Muslim and Mormon parents tend to deny that they masturbated as teens or had premarital sex – even though most did. In other words, these parents are not truthful with their children. All the major religions teach shameful feelings towards sex, sexuality and masturbation. Your parents probably feel this shame because that is what they were taught when they were your age.

There is much more you can learn from different books and websites, but the most important thing is that there is no need to be ashamed of your body or your sexuality. Do it privately, because it is not something anyone needs to know about or be aware of. Try and talk with your parents but don’t push it too hard. Be respectful and try to understand that they are acting from the shame they learned when they were young, and from an irrational fear. My guess is that they will relax the grounding sooner or later. Grounding is often as hard on the parents as it is on the kids.

I can really sympathize with you. My parents dragged me to church 2-4 times a week until I was 18. It is hard to escape sometimes, but there are some things you can do.

Go to a friend’s church from a different religion or faith. It is great for getting away from your parent’s religion and doing some of your own research. Start by going with a friend to a similar church, though not the same denomination. It won’t scare your parents as much. If you are Baptist, go with a friend to a Nazarene or Pentecostal church. It can be great fun for both of you. If your parents object, ask them what the difference is and why they think going to the other church is wrong? If they won’t let you, ask them to go with you. That might get them to loosen up a little as they probably won’t want to go.

Visit a few different churches for a while, but stay with churches similar to your own, then step a little farther away and go to a Catholic Mass or a Unitarian Church. Once you have opened the door it will be harder for your parents to say no. You might be able to do a different church each week if you work at it.

Another thing you can do is sign up for charitable fund raising or community improvement events that takes place on Sunday Morning. It is hard for parents to say “No” when you are doing something to raise money for charity.

Finally, if there is no escape and you feel adventuresome, you might go to Sunday School armed with some interesting questions about the lesson for the day. Look up the scriptures for that week’s lesson in advance, then research the verses at The Skeptics Annotated Bible.

There is hardly a chapter in the bible without glaring contradictions and problems. Kids Without God has a whole page on biblical contradictions. These things drive Sunday school teachers crazy. Don’t be too pushy, but have some fun with it. If you have to go, you might as well learn something about the bible… and maybe teach the teacher something as well.

Take a Book of Mormon or Koran to church and ask the Sunday School teacher if the class can talk about other holy books besides the Bible for a few weeks. Your pastor, priest, or teacher will have many arguments in favor of religion, and will not be concerned that those arguments are logical fallacies and wishful thinking, or based on nebulous concepts like  “knowing something in your heart,” but even a true believer may be at a loss to articulate how they know their religion is superior to a similar, older or more recent one. The more you know about all the religions involved in your debate, the more fun you can have playing “devil’s advocate.”

Religions don’t want curious people asking too many questions. These strategies might get you kicked out of Sunday School; not for being unruly or disrespectful, but for being curious and simply asking questions. They might also get you in trouble with your parents, so go easy and be respectful, but be persistent. Who knows, you might even inspire your classmates to start asking questions too.

Finally, parents only have so much patience. I know, I am a parent of two children. Don’t get yourself in any serious trouble, but keep letting them know that you don’t want to go, and you have better things to do with your time. They may eventually give in or compromise. I even volunteered to clean my room and the kitchen one Sunday when I knew we were having company. My mom jumped at that idea, and I got out of church. I did that several times with great success.

As a parent, there are many things you can do that will influence your child’s life, but the one thing you cannot do is determine how he or she will think when they have grown up. All children have a mind of their own; your job is to expose them to a wide range of ideas and experiences, after which they will just have to figure it out for themselves. Using that approach you are much more likely to influence her to be a freethinker.

Do not try and make her into an atheist; rather, help her become a freethinker. That is far more important. Help her become a person who can examine the evidence for herself and make up her own mind. Parents naturally try to mold their children after themselves, but it rarely works out as intended.

I recommend that you take her to churches; lots of them. Take her to a Buddhist temple, a Baptist Church, a Catholic Mass, a Ba’hai, a Mormon service. Go out to eat after each experience and ask questions and listen. “What did you think of the music in their church?” “How do you think this synagogue is different from a Baptist church?” “I wonder what the difference is between the Muslims we talked to last week and the Mormons we met today?” Keep the discussion age appropriate and do not try and indoctrinate her. Soon enough she will start asking questions of your ex and your ex’s family that they will not be able to answer adequately.

When she is old enough, and if you can get your ex to consent, send her to science camp or  Camp Quest (ages 8-17). There she will meet other freethinking children and enjoy a wide range of activities and ideas.

Sit down with her and explore the little kids half of this Kids Without God site together. There are fun things to do that will help her learn to think rationally and  scientifically. As she gets older, help her understand increasingly complex scientific principles, and do fun science experiments together.

Read age appropriate books with her about science, evolution, or mythology. Mythology seems especially interesting to young children and offers an opportunity to ask questions about gods, demons, ghosts, angels, etc. Go to EvolveFish for some good children’s books.

Thanks for your question. It is particularly difficult to be an atheist in a very religious community no matter what your age, but it is most difficult when you are enrolled in a religious school.

First, BE SAFE. It is certain that people will persecute you or shun you if you reveal how you really think. Religions do not like when people ask too many questions. Even in the U.S. students are persecuted for their non-religious views. See stories about Jessica Ahlquist or Damon Fowler, among many others.

No one can tell you what to think, but they can punish you for expressing those thoughts. As long as you are in a religious school, I would advise keeping a low profile. Do your own research; ask questions, but never challenge or reveal your own thinking as long as doing so would put you at risk. Your safety is of primary importance.

If you can get yourself out of the religious school environment and into a more secular school, you might be able to talk a little more freely. But as long as you are living in a religious country, where independence of thought is discouraged, you will always need to be aware of the consequences of revealing how you think.

One of the greatest delights in life is learning and developing a reality-based life philosophy. As you continue to critically examine the world around you, it will be important for you to connect with other freethinkers and read science, evolution and philosophy. Since there is danger in your current situation, you might join some online groups; but be very careful to not use your own name and keep your computer clean.

AtheistNexus has a group specifically for apostates who have left Islam. You might join under a fake name and an email address that is not easily traced back to you.

You can also try and quietly connect with other atheists in your community. Meet for coffee and share experiences and concerns. Join a science club in your community. Science clubs are often full of freethinkers and atheists.

I cannot emphasize enough that whatever you choose do to: be safe.

Here is a recent article from The Economist that shows you are not alone, but which also points out the dangers that exist, even in Turkey which officially has a secular government.

Other resources I can offer you include: the Council of Ex-Muslims of Britain, Apostates of Islam, and the Ex-Muslim Blog. Make sure you are able to view these websites in secret, and keep your web history clear.

Many people fear their own mortality. I don’t want to die either; not because I fear going to Hell, but because I love living and don’t want to stop. It is natural for a person to not want to die.

Unfortunately, religion teaches an unnatural fear of death, beginning when we are very young and incapable of understanding such profound concepts for ourselves. The “Salvation” that religion preaches as a way to lessen the fear of death also serves as a bullying tactic  against those who do not adhere to that religion’s dogma.

Religion distorts children’s natural fears before they are old enough to examine information critically. What you learned as a child can be difficult to unlearn as a teenager or young adult, and irrational fears are often the hardest to overcome.

Remember that your fear of Hell is an accident of your birth and not an indication of reality. Your parents taught you to fear Hell because they fear Hell. If you had been born to Hindus you would have been raised to believe in reincarnation. If you had been born a Viking you would have been taught that the only way to get into Heaven was to cross a rainbow bridge after dying gloriously in battle.

Consider joining a Recovering From Religion group to meet others dealing with the same issues. Many people who have been atheist a long time will tell you they had similar fears when they first left religion. Listen and explore how they dealt with those fears. If you can’t find someone to talk to in person, go online and ask some of the atheists on forums and websites like Atheist Nexus.

Read and research for yourself what other atheists feel about death and mortality. When I left religion, I felt anxiety about my mortality. I read a number of authors that helped me understand myself and my fears better. In the process I felt my fears slowly melt away. It was one of the most liberating things I have ever experienced. I can live my life without looking over my shoulder to see if a god or devil is watching me. I can live my life in a way that enhances my life and those around me. I can enjoy talking with people like you and explore and learn how to live this life to the fullest.

I contributed to an interesting documentary series on the subject. I also recommend Bertrand Russell’s “Why I Am Not a Christian” as one of the best books of all time. I have not yet read Christopher Hitchens’ final book “Mortality,” but you may consider reading that as well.

Many atheists report that finally coming to grips with the idea that this is the only life they have liberated them and gave them new focus on living their life to the fullest and for the good of the people around them. How much more rewarding to know you are doing things that support and enhance other’s lives because you love them, not for some reward in a later life.

Finally, if you were raised in a religiously and psychologically abusive home or church, you may need more professional help. Consider contacting a therapist in our Secular Therapy project. They are trained to help people leaving religion. (The website is free but the therapists do charge for their services.)

I am sorry to hear you parents are trying to cut you off from your sister. It sounds like you love her and enjoy being her brother. While this hurts right now, you might just lay low for a while and do your own reading and studying. Talk between yourself and your brother. The worst thing you can do is argue with your mother or tell her that her religion is wrong, as that just makes religious people more stubborn about their convictions.

Avoid trying to convince your sister or even your mother that your atheism is right. Just be yourself, enjoy life and show your mother and sister that you love them and respect them. You do not need to actively try to seek out your sister, but do not try and avoid her either; it is important that your sister does not feel like you are rejecting her. The fact is, sooner or later, your mother will not be able to keep you separated. The more she tries to keep your sister away from you, the more your sister may actually want to be with you. It is almost impossible to keep people separated when they live in the same house.

Try to understand where your mother is coming from. A parent who believes in heaven and hell is also a frightened person: they are afraid that their children will suffer in the afterlife; and they are afraid that they will be condemned for not raising their children properly. Even though religion is irrational to you, try to understand that she is concerned for you and for your sister and is doing what she thinks is best.

I am pretty sure you will be able to talk with your sister again soon and interact with her as you did before. It may be a few months, but stay calm and chill out. If the subject of religion comes up around your mother, feel free to be vague about your beliefs, or keep them private entirely. Sooner or later, your mother will relax and be less guarded.

You are among many atheists who love Christmas, so your concern is a common one. People love Christmas so much they were celebrating it long before Christ was supposedly born. Winter Solstice celebrations were part of almost every culture in the northern hemisphere long before Christianity appropriated it. A good many of the symbols associated with Christmas are actually pagan in origin: everything from the tree to mistletoe to the virgin birth (there were many virgin births before Jesus). Some atheists are beginning to say, “Lets take the holiday season back from the Christians.” Their answer is to use the same symbols and emphasize their pagan and secular origins.

You could have a lot of fun researching all the Winter Solstice holiday rituals and symbols, then create your own, unique decorations and celebrations. Your friends probably say, “You are taking Christ out of Christmas,” but you can say, “I am putting the Sol back in Solstice.”

Put up your holiday tree (which originated in pagan Northern Europe). Decorate it with a symbol of the god Mithra (whose birth was celebrated on Dec. 25 long before Christmas was established on that date). Put an Anglo-Saxon Pagan Yule log on your fire. You might also remind your religious friends that the Christmas tree was banned in England in 1644 as a pagan symbol, as well as in the first Puritan colonies in North America. Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate Christmas because they believe it is pagan.

As for your friends and family, they have no more right to tell you what you can and cannot celebrate than what you can and cannot eat. I would keep it low key and not argue with them, but invite them over to your house for a holiday meal or drink and if they ask questions about your unusual decorations, you can give them a little insight into winter Solstice celebrations from around the world.